If DSM Existed for Animals..
ByNatural Mind Retrievers
Saturday, July 16, 2011
My father is a veterinarian who runs his own practice in Pennsylvania. I’m extremely lucky, because whenever my cat, Awol, has any issues, I call him on the phone for advice or carry her reluctant self in the cat carrier to my dad’s clinic. Recently, I noticed hairless, white patches with red, inflamed bumps on Awol’s belly and legs. Worried that her skin was under attack by a nasty infection, I hurried her to my dad’s to see what was going on. My dad examined her for a few minutes, before announcing that she had a bad case of hyper-grooming.
Me: “Hyper-grooming, dad? You mean…, my cat is high maintenance?”
(Damn it, I knew this already. She refuses to eat anything other than Fancy Feast and demands to be brushed 20 times a day.)
Dad: “Well, that’s one way of putting it.”
Me: “So it’s almost like a form of obsessive compulsive disorder?”
Dad: “Yes very much so.”
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| The Underbelly Fruits of Awol’s Hypergrooming |
I thought about Awol’s hyper-grooming issues and decided that if she were human, she’d be diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and maybe even trichotillomania, which is the obsessive pulling out of hair. Then she’d probably be prescribed an antidepressant, which is commonly used for treating OCD, and sent home from the doctor’s office to see if the medication worked. Of course, Awol’s a cat, so her concerning behavior, though temporarily categorized as hyper-grooming, would undoubtly fade into a “Cats just being cats” explanation.Still, I couldn’t help but wonder about a world where the DSM, the bible for diagnosing psychiatric illnesses, applied not only to humans, but to animals to. I brainstormed about old pets, current pets, cartoon animals, animals under my father’s care through the years, zoo animals and even famous creatures. The following list is what I came up with:
1) ALL DOGS
DIAGNOSIS: Binge Eating Disorder
2) ALL CATS
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
3) SOME CATS
DIAGNOSIS:Antisocial Personality Disorder
4) PARROTS
DIAGNOSIS:Multiple Personality Disoder and
Tourettes.
5) HAMSTERS
DIAGNOSIS: Bulimia Nervosa
6) CATS IN HEAT
DIAGNOSIS: Okay, since the new DSMV, which comes out in 2013, made premenstrual dysphoria disorder its own mental illness for females, I’ll dub the Kits-in-Heat as the mental illness equivalent in cats.
7) MICE AND OTHER RODENTS
DIAGNOSIS: Chronic Insomnia ( None of this benign nocturnal crap.)
IGUANAS, GECKOS
DIAGNOSIS: Catatonic Schizophrenia ( They don’t move)
9)ZOO LEMURS
DIAGNOSIS: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Just look at their eyes)
10) ZOO GORILLAS WHO SPEND ALL DAY MASTURBATING
DIAGNOSIS: Exhibitionism
11) DOGS IN HEAT
DIAGNOSIS: Classic Frotteurism (Beware all Legs)
12) DUCKS MATING
DIAGNOSIS: Sexual Masochism and Sadism ( Ever see ducks going at it? You. Will. Cringe.)
13) JAWS
DIAGNOSIS: Antisocial personality disorder/Sociopath
14) OLD YELLER
DIAGNOSIS: Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Okay, fine. It was a boring, physical diagnosis. Sigh. Rabies.
15) EEYORE
DIAGNOSIS: Major Depression
16) TILIKUM( the whale who killed its trainer at Sea World), THE GRIZZLY BEARS WHO ATE TIMOTHY TREADWELL, AND THE MGM LION WHO KILLED HIS VEGAS TRAINER
DIAGNOSIS: All Sociopaths. ( To make this clear, none of these animals were just big and hungry.)
17) ALL SQUIRRELS
DIAGNOSIS: Kleptomania (It’s really a sin how much they steal from the birds.)
18) GEORGE THE DRAGON AND THE SLEEPING DRAGON
DIAGNOSIS: Pyromania
19) ROADKILL
DIAGNOSIS: Pathological Gambling
20) MOST BIRDS
DIAGNOSIS: Mania ( Talk about “Flight of Ideas”)
21) MOST cats
DIAGNOSIS: Delusional Disorder ( Since most have the fixed, false belief that they rule the universe.)
22) SPEEDY GONZALES
DIAGNOSIS: Bipolar Disorder ( his unnatural level of speed would qualify as manic, and you only need one manic phase ( or mania like symptoms) to be called Bipolar.)
23) BLUE FROM BLUE’S CLUES
DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid ( Due to all that eccentricity and magical thinking)
24) BRIAN GRIFFIN, THE FAMILY GUY DOG
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
25) UNDERDOG
DIAGNOSIS: Schizophrenia ( Due to always speaking in rhymes. See: Clang Associations)
26) SCOOBY DOO
DIAGNOSIS: Panic Disorder with Phobia
27) MISTER ED
DIAGNOSIS: Shared Psychotic Disorder with owner, Wilber Post
28) LASSIE
DIAGNOSIS: OMG, There’s NOTHING wrong with Lassie, and if you were expecting to find something here, you’re messed up!
29) COCKROACHES
DIAGNOSIS: Adjustment Disorder w/ mixed disturbance of emotion and conduct ( How can they not when everyone is always trying to kill them?)
30) MANY CATS
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder. ( See Splitting: One minute they love you, the next they want nothing to do with you.
31) PUPPIES
DIAGNOSIS: Bipolar Disorder( One minute they’re whimpering, and the next minute they’re nonstop wagging tails and licking faces!)
32)DONALD DUCK
DIAGNOSIS: Exhibitionism ( He only wore pants while swimming.)
33)WILE E COYOTE
DIAGNOSIS: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ( He had to buy everything at the ACME. Also, Conduct Disorder, since he was intentionally cruel to “other” animals. i.e.: The Roadrunner)
34)PEPE LE PEW
DIAGNOSIS: Histrionic Personality Disorder ( Due to his overly-seductive and flirtatious mannerisms. Highly attention seeking.)
35) DUMBO
DIAGNOSIS: Schizoprenia (Clearly psychotic for thinking he can fly with his ears. Also, Substance Abuser. Note the Pink Elephants on Parade sequence for reference of substance abuse!)
36) WISHBONE
DIAGNOSIS: Delusional Disorder (A little dog with a big imagination is a NICE way of saying crazy.)
37) HAM, THE FIRST APE IN SPACE
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder ( Obviously, for thinking a big monkey could fly a spaceship.)
38) FLIPPER
DIAGNOSIS: Okay, seriously, there’s nothing wrong with Flipper. Flipper is Lassie with a fin.
39) BABE, THE PIG
DIAGNOSIS: Self-defeating Personality Disorder ( Pigs shouldn’t try to be sheepdogs. It’s self-defeating.)
40)SPUDS MCKENZIE
DIAGNOSIS: Chronic Substance Abuse
41) THE ROADRUNNER
DIAGNOSIS: Chronic Vocal Tic Disorder ( Based on Meep, Meep!)
42) ALVIN THE CHIPMUNK
DIAGNOSIS: Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder
43)MARLEY FROM MARLEY AND ME
DIAGNOSIS: Impulse Control Disorder
44)CHESHIRE CAT
DIAGNOSIS: Sociopath ( He’s very manipulating and messes with Alice’s head. Also has an evil, serial killer grin)
45)NEVERMORE, THE RAVEN
DIAGNOSIS: Dysthymia
46)CHUCK E CHEESE
DIAGNOSIS: Pedophilia ( think MJ in a Rat Suit)
47) DOLLY, THE SHEEP
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder ( Getting cloned like that and all? The epitome of it!)
48) BIGFOOT
DIAGNOSIS: Avoidant Personality Disorder ( Based on the fact that it makes headlines when someone sees him.)
49)THE WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING
DIAGNOSIS: Psychopath ( Or from the New DSMV: Antisocial with Psychopathic Type.)
50) THE BIG, BAD WOLF
DIAGNOSIS: Most would say Sociopath, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say wrongly accused and an unfortunate victim of name being destiny.
The moral of the blog is: If you’re looking to label or looking for a label…, you’ll find one. 
BTW, I told myself I would stop at 50, even though this is really fun to do. If you have any others to add or disagree with one of my diagnoses, please post below!